(2006) Ways into Discourse . Patricia Bou (ed.)Granada: Comares, Biblioteca Comares de Ciencia Jurídica, Colección Estudios de Lengua Inglesa, 13. pp. 49-59. ISBN: 84-9836-098-6.Chapter 6. Verbal abuse: An assault on self esteem * A.Emma Sopeña Balordi Universitat de València 1.
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(2006) Ways into Discourse . Patricia Bou (ed.)Granada: Comares, Biblioteca Comares de Ciencia Jurídica, Colección Estudios de Lengua Inglesa, 13. pp. 49-59. ISBN: 84-9836-098-6.Chapter 6.
Verbal abuse: An assault on self esteem * A.Emma Sopeña Balordi Universitat de València
1. Language, map and territory
Language serves not only to establish interpersonal relationships in order to express our world models, but also to create meaning and models of our experience. The Aristotelic affirmation that our words symbolize our mental experience is one of the starting points of Neuro Linguistic Programming (henceforth, NLP) specialists who – based on generative grammar – study profound and superficial structures of language.
As a result it is believed that words have the power to reflect and to shape mental expressions as well.
One of the fundamentals of language study in NLP is that a ‘map' is not the ‘territory' itself, (see Korzybski 1933, founder of General Semantics) 1. The combination of his work in the field of semantics with the syntactic theory of Noam Chomsky's Transformational Grammar constitutes the centre of the most important linguistic aspect of NLP.
Korzybski's work is a great step forward as it means that we can finally recognize and overcome our linguistic habits to evaluate life experience through reality instead of language. Thus, we are able to analyse a situation – which is always unique and particular – and look for its alternative interpretations.
A person's linguistic maps determine – more than reality itself – the interpretation of a situation. These maps make it possible to gain meaning out of an experience and to react according to its interpretation. According to the fundamentals of NLP, an internal map is designed through experience gained, through language as well as through personal sensory systems of representation, bearing in mind that our way of thinking generates problems that the thought itself will never solve.
Korzybski's distinction between ‘map' and ‘territory' implies that our mental models of reality determine our behaviour. Maps are not authentic or false, correct or incorrect, good or bad. NLP considers that an individual faced with reality may expand his/her map, and try to find possible options; consequently, the individual will act more efficiently.
New perspectives help to enrich internal maps of reality and permit us not to feel upset through restrictive thoughts which create negative emotions and disturbed feelings and this may produce self-destructive behaviour. These perspectives create a new system of beliefs which filter reality in a different way.
The emotional situation of a person who has undergone verbal abuse makes it difficult to create these new perspectives and limits one's mental map in such a way that one involuntarily becomes the verbal tormentor's accomplice. Cognitive-behavioural psychotherapy does not consider the immobile attitude of the person who has undergone verbal abuse as a form of complicity but one's behaviour makes one a participant in the tormentor's felony.
2. The perverse individual
Anybody is able to use, at any given moment, perverse mechanisms for any reason, but the characteristics of a perverse person – or to be more precise – what experts call a ‘narcissist pervert' (NP) – include strategies that first use and later destroy the other person. The NP is not aware that he/she is using manipulation and, therefore, has no feeling of guilt. Thus, difficulties and failures are attributed to other people.
Someone who uses perverse strategies at a particular moment in their relationships will try to defend themselves but a NP constructs his/her personality by destroying others.
The term perversion (originating from the Latin pervertere: turn around, turn upside down) entered the French language in 1444 with the meaning of converting something good into something bad. In the 19th century specialists in mental illness began to show an interest in this kind of behavioural derangement and to treat it as a kind of deviation of the instincts.
Among the studies related to this field, we opted for A.Eiguer's (1996) study in which he considers this kind of personality always in relation to other individuals. A ‘perverse individual' (PI) will always want to attack other individuals' integrity first, so as to later disarm them and thus destroy both their self-esteem and self-confidence. This kind of mechanism creates a dependence on others who, as a consequence, believe that PI is absolutely irreplaceable in their lives.
A ‘narcissist' in the Ovidian sense is a person who looks for his/her own reflection in the eyes of others. This person lacks any type of self-recognition and, therefore, creates a set of mirrors to feel the sensation of his/her own existence. Narcissists create a projection of themselves on others instead of filling their own vacuum.
PI are characterized by a megalomanian self-concept, arrogance, the need for admiration, the belief that others have to show their gratitude, the exploitation of others in their interpersonal relationships, envy, the complete absence of empathy and, last but certainly not least, by psychological harshness (intolerance and strict rationality). Normally they present themselves in a superior and moralising position, and before them the victim will always feel guilty.
Looking for others' failures and insufficiencies is a way of hiding their own. They impose their pejorative vision of the world and express their chronic insatisfaction by means of critical utterances. Disappointments do not produce sadness but rage and resentment vis-a-vis a desire for revenge. However, they are able to maintain an affectionate distance which is great enough so as not to commit themselves in any way.
3. Subtle abuse / barefaced abuse
Explicit abuse is not the most dangerous weapon of verbal assault. Denigrating somebody or openly insulting are too obvious when P is trying to achieve his/her counterpart's emotional or cognitive instability. On the contrary, paradoxical, subtle and unexpected abuse is a lethal weapon in this battle without rules because this behaviour makes use of bizarre and bewildering mental games, true mazes, which produce the desired effects: psychological disorder, mental confusion, breakdown and frustration.
Alternating frontal and subtle / hidden attacks causes the ‘abusee' eventually to let down his/her guard and facilitates P's mental control over the victim (V). V might be conscious of these verbal attacks and might counter-attack or attempt to defend him/herself. However, when verbal attacks are implicit it is difficult to interpret them as a form of abuse and for this reason they are able to destroy the psyche of the attacked.
4. Some characteristics of subtle verbal abuse
According to Ellis and Grad (1990: 36-40), this kind of verbal attack is characterized by the use of paradoxical non-verbal communication, i.e. utterances with hurtful intentions, together with meaningless words, even friendly, or vice versa – exasperated facial expressions are accompanied by neutral or ‘innocent' comments. Sometimes offensive comments are uttered with a sincere and worried voice. P may deny the usage of a sarcastic tone saying, e.g. “I don't understand.
Are you saying that I've said this or that?”, “How can you possibly think that …?, “ It's your imagination …”. Thus, a discrepancy between meaning and intention, between speech act and prosody, is produced.